Why do marriages become distant? Well you have to go back to the first marriage to answer that question. The first marriage was Adam and Eve. They had an intimate relationship with each other and with God in the garden. But all of that was broken when they disobeyed God. So the concept of a distant marriage and a distant relationship with God came into existence. The condition of our heart changed. So now we have a heart that reflects how our relationship is with our spouse but also our Lord. I hadn't thought of the fact that how we relate to God is also how we may relate to our spouses. "The same things that cause distance in your relationship with God cause distance in your relationship with your spouse." The booklet gives the parable of the sower. Not only does the four different kinds of soil give a picture of our hearts towards God but also could be used to reflect our hearts toward our spouses.
The first soil: The hard heart doesn't know how to love
The second soil: The disappointed heart gives up on love
The third soil: The distracted heart is too busy to love
The fourth soil: The fruitful heart perseveres in love
It was good to look at these soils in this new light to see where my own heart is.
Now once you know the condition of your heart then check your priorities.
I love that the booklet makes this statement:
"Don't make your goal in life to have a good marriage. Instead, make knowing your Redeemer your goal." It gives us the right focus. We too often start with the wrong focus but not this booklet!
Our priority is making sure our intimacy with our Redeemer is fruitful. "Seek intimacy with God and intimacy with others will be added to you." Our love for others will come as we experience the love from God. And the way we become intimate with God is by meditating on the way He treats you. The booklet gives several verses to "make your own."
If you are seeking an intimate relationship with your Lord then He will give you what you need to love your spouse without demanding intimacy from him. Always looking for intimacy from your spouse can cause you to be disappointed but if you strive to love your spouse the way God loves you, then you will not be disappointed. When we strive for our own interests and are only concerned for ourselves then we cause distance and lose intimacy in our marriages. However, if we strive for an intimate relationship with our Lord and are concerned for others with the lovingkindness that God has for us, then our relationships are fruitful.
Change only happens with the power of God. So calling on God for help is the only way. The booklet points out that confession of sin is important and that once we have a heart of repentance God shows us more sin to confess. Which is painful "but you will see that where sin abounds, grace super-abounds." These convictions will lead you to love your spouse well.
The booklet then gives strategies for change.
Asking your spouse for forgiveness.
Enter into your spouse's world by asking:
1. What are your burdens?
2. What are your joys?
3. What's your purpose?
Express your love in small, daily kindness
Engage in constructive Confrontation
Lastly, the booklet gives encouragement to those who may have a spouse who doesn't see the distance in their marriage as they do. It takes time to rebuild, but there is hope.
"...remember how God broke down these same walls in your life by sending his own Son into your world."
This is all easier said than done of course. It's hard because it's calling for humility. A true humility. It's a call to love your husband as God loves you. This is a very high standard but it is attainable through Christ. He is the one who gives us the power and the changed heart condition. I am very glad to be reminded that our relationship with God and our relationship with our spouses are connected.
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